10 Gifts for Your BFF That Show You Care, And That Her Work Friend Alexis Can Go Fuck Herself

The holidays season is in full swing! It seems like just yesterday you were complaining about your weird tan lines from those strappy sandals that seemed like a good idea at the time. Then you blinked, and all of a sudden there’s jazzy Christmas music playing in Starbucks, you almost got hit by a cab with a giant menorah on top, and your BFF won’t stop talking about how much fun she had with her work friend Alexis at their company holiday party. She won’t shut up about how “Alexis is sooo funny, you two just have to meet, you’ll get along sooo well.” Highly unlikely, Alexis sounds like a giant C U Next Tuesday. So this year it’s essential that you get your BFF a gift she’ll love, and especially a gift that reminds her that you are her BFF, and that Alexis can go fuck herself. Here are a few ideas to get you started.

1. The obvious gift is a friendship bracelet. That’s a bit cliche, so take it a step further and pay for matching BFF tattoos. Your friendship is going to last forever, so why not go the permanent route? Make sure it’s in a visible spot so Alexis will see it and ask about it, prompting your BFF to tell Alexis all about how hilarious and witty and cool you are.

2. Get her a gift certificate for a couple’s massage for the two of you. Those aren’t just for couples. Plenty of BFFs get them. Seriously. Your BFF works so hard, and it must be stressful working alongside an idiot like Alexis. Apparently Alexis dyes her hair a new color every month. How stupid is that? Your BFF will appreciate the relaxation and one-on-one time with her BFF (you)!

3. Your BFF mentioned that Alexis loves indie rock, so one up her pretentious bullshit by getting your BFF a Spotify subscription! You can make playlists for her and call them cutesie things like “Indie Rock Is Lame As Hell” and “Remember These Songs We Used To Jam Out To In High School? Wow, We’ve Been BFFs For A Really Long Time!!!”

4. You know your BFF better than anyone, and therefore know the one thing she always says she wants one day — a husky puppy! You don’t support buying puppies from breeders or mills and are a huge advocate for animal adoption from pounds so this seems like a tricky option. But your neighbor’s husky just had puppies! It honestly is a sign. And if Alexis’ neighbor had husky puppies, she wouldn’t even know that your BFF would desperately want one. This is something only you Alexis can fuck right off.

5. Remember the trip you and your BFF took to New York right after your college graduation? And as you were leaving Times Square, that guy on the street yelled “you two look like a couple of cinnamon rolls I wanna ice just right”? And you were both super grossed out but also couldn’t stop laughing about it the rest of the trip? Remind her of this inside joke with a couple of cinnamon roll shaped throw pillows! They’ll look so cute in her apartment, and she and Alexis definitely don’t have any hilarious inside jokes like this. Alexis isn’t even cute – you’ve seen her Instagram – so no one would ever yell that they ‘wanna ice her just right.’

6. Apparently Alexis does contemporary dance. Gag. Honestly, what is that? You could google it, but you don’t care enough. For whatever reason, this fact interests your BFF. Take note of this and sign two of you up for hip hop dance classes! Contemporary dance sounds like a bullshit liberal arts college elective, but everyone loves hip hop dance, and you can post cool videos of the two of you dancing on Instagram to remind the rest of the world (specifically Alexis) how close you are!

7. You know what would score you one million BFF points and make Alexis look like a steaming pile of dogshit? Tickets to Hamilton!!!! And not just any seats-splurge for orchestra. Alexis would probably find Hamilton too ‘mainstream.’ She’s hipster trash.

8. Don’t be afraid to go the sentimental route. Get your BFF a mug with pictures of the two of you all over it. She can use it for her morning coffee at work, where there’s no way Alexis won’t see it. She’ll see the years and years of memories you and your BFF share and realize she can’t compete. She’ll also probably realize she doesn’t even know how your BFF takes her coffee. Alexis is such a bad friend.

9. You know literally everything about your BFF. You even know her birthstone. Does Alexis know your BFF’s birthday, let alone her birthstone? Doubt it. She probably doesn’t even know her own birthstone, she’s so freaking dumb. Anyway, get your BFF a necklace with both of your birthstones on it as a symbol of your friendship! Yes, she has an April birthday so yes, her stone is a diamond…but she’s worth it!

10. As much as your BFF talks about how “amazing” Alexis is, you know her and you can tell this is code for “Alexis sucks so much I wish she was dead.” You can’t actually kill Alexis (ugh!), but you can do the next best thing -get her fired! It’s what your BFF really wants. You can hear it in her voice as she recounts the “hilarious” story Alexis told her at lunch the other day, and when she suggests that the three of you get brunch ASAP. Call your BFF’s boss and pretend to be Alexis’ old boss. Talk about how she stole a bunch of money from your company to fund her drug problem. Then sneak into work and plant drugs in Alexis’ desk. It’s the best gift you could give your BFF -she’ll be thanking you for years to come, and Alexis can go fuck herself!

 

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