2018 Spotify Wrapped: We Know All Your Shit!

Welcome to your 2018 Wrapped by Spotify. Our unique ability to pull consumer data lends to a tailored, personal listening experience. But this year, we’ve taken it to the next level. We not only know what you listened to, we know why.

 

FIRSTS

You started 2018 by playing “Return of the Mack” by Mark Morrison 14 times in a row at Jen’s New Year’s Eve party in Gowanus. 14. Dang! You were drunk and really wanted to hear it. Your friends thought it was funny, and so did we! You’re hilarious.

 

MINUTES
Can you guess how many minutes you spent listening this year?

A. 55,321

B. 40,263

C. 24,876

You listened for 40,263 minutes, which, after 10 years out of school, is the exact amount you still owe MyFedLoan Service for your student loans. Honestly, compared to other listeners this isn’t that bad, but you could probably start paying more than the minimum amount. Or honestly, fuck it, buy another succulent.

 

JONI MITCHELL

You spent 24 hours with your favorite artist Joni Mitchell, and the pleasure was all hers. Here’s a personal message from Joni:

Hey, it’s me, Joni Mitchell. Spotify says you listened to my 1971 album Blue more than any other album in 2018. You listened to it on your commute home every day in March on a crowded J train as you felt trapped by your overbearing New York City surroundings and dead-end PR job. I’m so flattered! Thank you for listening. I’m off to paint a new self portrait.

Peace and Love,

Joni

 

LOST DOG

In April, you couldn’t get enough of “I Miss You” (feat. Julia Michaels) by Clean Bandit. You listened to this track while frantically biking around Brooklyn on your vintage Schwinn searching for your lost dog, Otto. What a scare! That was crazy, we are so glad you found him.

 

CRYING IS COOL

No one listened to music like you did this year. 500,314 other people listened to “Night Shift” by Lucy Dacus, but no one else cried every day at 6 PM for 5 days straight in Prospect Park to “Night Shift” by Lucy Dacus. Even though you were the one to end things with cuffing season boy in May, it still stung. We were with you then, and we’re with you now.

 

FUCK GREG

You listened to “God is a Woman” by Ariana Grande 15 times in a row on June 16, 2018. This was the day you got promoted over Greg, who never played fair and was always committing huge industry faux pas. He took the low road, but you took the high road. You are a badass bitch!

 

BRAVERY TOWARDS DATE

On July 14th, 2018 you listened to “Someone Tell the Boys” by Samia while prepping for that date with cool sneakers Dave from the Trader Joe’s frozen foods aisle. It didn’t work out, but way to put yourself out there. You’ll find a knight in understated Nikes soon, and keep stacking up on that mandarin orange chicken.

 

FUCK MOM, ALSO

Sure, it’s impressive enough that you listened to “X Gone Give it To Ya” by DMX for 642 minutes this year but we know the real reason: at Nana’s 93rd birthday party in August, you finally told your mom to stop criticizing your body, and your aunts agreed with you. You stood up for yourself, and it was incredible! Fuck you, mom!

 

PROUD OF YOU

You listened to this song only once: “Back to You” by Selena Gomez. We’ve all been there.

 

LIBRA

It’s in the stars. In 2018 you listened to more Libra artists — like John Mayer and Bruce Springsteen– than any other star sign. In 2019, Saturn’s moon will have risen and money will approach you. Someone close to you (Jana from Purchasing) will not want you to take this monetary opportunity (Jana’s niece, Hillary applied) but you must say yes (we don’t like Hillary) and strike down your enemies (Jana and Hillary and the rest of their family) with a swift hand (get promoted, then fire them.) Do you like this part? It’s a demo for 2019 Wrapped: Horoscope edition.

 

FAVORITE SUBGENRE

Your favorite subgenre this year was thrash metal. Hell ya! You are full of surprises.

 

TASTEBREAKERS

Start 2019 by broadening your horizons. We’ve made a playlist of songs from genres and artists you don’t normally explore – and we think you’ll like it. Remember that time you were walking to the post office to RSVP for Jeff’s wedding, a person you have known since you were 8 years old and have always been secretly in love with and thought to yourself “I wish I could expand my musical tastes?” Well, we think this playlist could help you expand your musical tastes and work up the nerve to confess your love to Jeff in a manic, drunken way at his wedding reception. At the exact right moment, highjack the 47 year old DJ’s aux cord in Westchester, NY and plug in this playlist with such hits as “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne, and to show your true intensity for Jeff, the thrash metal classic, “Angel of Death” by Slayer.

If this doesn’t show Jeff your undying love, we don’t know what will.

 

THANKS

Thanks for spending another year with us! Next year, we will send a yearly recap of when you were ovulating and were close to getting pregnant but avoided it once again. You go, bitch!

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