30 Things Every Woman Should Know Before They Turn 30

Oh no, another list serving as a barometer for your success!

Here are all the things any carefree, twee, manic-pixie-dream, Insta-queen should know how to do and/or experienced by the time she enters her fourth decade on this lovely, organic, sun-kissed Earth:

  1. How to casually stalk an ex on Instagram.
  2. Have something perfect to wear on hand if you’re called to help bury a body on a moment’s notice.
  3. Never buy anything at full price. Steal it instead.
  4. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Pay a shrink to do that.
  5. Live alone at least once. No witnesses that way.
  6. Scrapbooks are pointless.
  7. Guess what? You’ll still be afraid of ghosts!
  8. If it still hurts when you poop, you’re not ready for anal.
  9. Childless? No problem! You can fill the void by getting drunk and ranking your friend’s kids by level of cuteness.
  10. Barre is a cult.
  11. Running is for people with bad marriages.
  12. If you choose your spot wisely you can fart in yoga class.
  13. Only trust lady doctors for things concerning lady parts.
  14. That hair just grows out of that one spot on your chin forever now.
  15. The term “sober expression” will be most hilarious when you are not.
  16. The more prominent the college someone went to, the worse they are at charades.
  17. Your 30s are the turning point from hitting on older men to younger men.
  18. Any food can be improved by an entire individual container of full fat Greek yogurt.
  19. Before you get married, you and your partner should go through airport security together.
  20. Some nights, you’re going to have to make the choice between dessert and sex, and a lot of the time, dessert will win.
  21. If your significant other sends flowers to your office that just means you’re going to have to make small talk with your coworkers.
  22. Poop like no one’s listening.
  23. You are now at the age where you can understand how your parents took you to roller coaster parks when you were a child and not once partake.
  24. Birthdays are excellent ways to keep receipts on who does and doesn’t text you.
  25. It’s all about time management. Multitask and have your nervous breakdown on your commute so it doesn’t interrupt the rest of your day.
  26. Never, ever wear pigtails as an adult.
  27. Ask your significant other to send you sexy messages on occasion, like, “No, you were right, I’m sorry.”
  28. You can eat pizza two nights in a row so long as you refer to one of them as a “flatbread.”
  29. Be wary of being photographed sitting down.
  30. The only facial exercise you need to keep looking young is hard eye rolls at lists like these.

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