5 Guys I Zooey Deschanel’d and Started a Family With in IKEA

It was kärlek at first sight. Or at least that’s what I thought each time I Zooey Deschanel’d a guy into starting a family with me at IKEA. Here’s a list of the 5 guys I found love with in the Dutch furniture retail chain.

 

Michael

I’ll never forget my first love, Michael. He was the peanut butter to my jelly, the JGL to my Zooey D, and the missing screw to my Fljörkken shelf. We had been dating 2 years and I was ready to take it to the next level—starting a family in IKEA.

We went to IKEA under the guise of “getting a new desk chair,” but I needed him to know how not-like-other-girls I was, so Zooey Deschanel’d my Michael all the way from the kitchen showrooms to the Småland kids’ playroom.

Michael willingly imagined a life with me in 4 different kitchens, but when I plucked a toddler from the ball pit to be our child in this new life, Michael said I’d gone “too far” and promptly left the store. It was over.


Barrett

Distraught by Michael and I’s breakup, I downloaded Tinder and came up with a foolproof plan to find a new partner:

Step 1: Set Tinder radius to 1 mile

Step 2: Match with someone inside the store’s 1 mile-radius

Step 3: Find a showroom to settle down in and start a family

I quickly matched with Barrett and invited him to a Swedish meatball dinner in the cafeteria. Barrett’s hands looked as equipped to build cheap furniture as they were to swipe right. I batted my giant eyes at him as he approached, and said something so quirky and unique to break the ice. He was mesmerized by my girlish charm.

But as I revealed my plan to start a family in this IKEA, the glimmer in his eyes faded. “I have to go,” he said, “forever.”

 

Grant

I jumped back on Tinder, and matched with Grant. Grant was a tall, handsome Dad.

I hadn’t considered stepmotherhood before meeting Grant, but a non-traditional family is inherently quirky. Very on-brand my Zooey Deschanel lifestyle.

Grant said his kids were off somewhere, which gave us plenty of time to get to know each other. We cuddled on a stark grey sofa in a minimalist living room, discovered each others’ tastes amidst the mostly mediocre canvas prints, and had our first fight in a child’s fairytale-themed bathroom. I thought Grant was it. He was the one.

But then, the unthinkable happened. A woman showed up with three young children. As she jerked him away from our perfect IKEA life, he said to me, “I’m so sorry. My wife just takes so long in here. I got bored.”

 

Carl

Since Tinder hadn’t worked out for me, I decided to go back to the old-fashioned way of dating: looking for someone as miserably lonely as you.

I complimented Carl’s taste as he thumbed through rugs. “Yeah well,” he said, “my ex just moved out and took most of the furniture so it’s like I have to…”

“…start over?” I finished his sentence, lingering in eye contact with my giant, quirky eyes. He smiled, probably for the first time in months, because I’m cuter and more unique than any girl ever.

“Let me help you out with that,” I said. Ten minutes later, we were whispering our darkest secrets to each other under the covers of a Fjellse bed as hundreds of shoppers passed us by. An hour later, we were kissing under the display lamps, pretending they were constellations because I’m quirky and creative like that.

9 months later, I gave birth to my first son, “Tullsta,” named after the armchair he was conceived on. I insisted on giving birth to my sweet Tullsta back in the IKEA where it all began, and Carl insisted he could not handle the responsibility of fatherhood.

 

Trey

Alone and writhing in pain, I gave birth to my sweet Tullsta behind a chevron-printed shower curtain.

But I wasn’t alone for long. My Zooey Deschanel charm lures men like the sirens lured sailors to their shores. Also the screams. My screams lured Trey to me.

Trey was an IKEA manager. He probably should have called an ambulance and kicked me out of the store, but as I looked at him with my giant, baby blue eyes and pushed my perfect bangs to the side, his expression softened.

“I’ve seen you around here,” he said, “you’re so playful and interesting.”

Trey and I are to be wed in the sofa showroom this July.

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