Am I Suffering From The Bubonic Plague Or Am I Just Overly Concerned With Cazzie David’s Welfare?

There is nothing more important to me than maintaining my health—I stay on top of every headache, bump, or bruise that life throws my way. But when I started suffering from malaise, swollen lymph nodes, and difficulty breathing, I knew there could only be two outcomes…

I was either dying from the Bubonic Plague or just overly obsessed with Cazzie David’s welfare after her breakup with Pete Davidson. 

The aches echoed through my body and chilled me to the bone. It made sense how the Great Plague could have wiped out nearly 60% of Europe’s total population. That, at least, had logic behind it.

Nobody—not even the greatest scientists of history—could have predicted that SNL’s Pete Davidson would desert his longtime girlfriend Cazzie David the day before her birthday, only to announce his engagement to Pop Icon Ariana Grande shortly thereafter.

I tossed and turned all night long, convinced the end was near. My symptoms were confirmed as I logged my symptoms into WebMD—my odds for the Black Death and Cazziedavidiasis were both in the dangerously high percentile.

In agony, I broke down in prayer.

“DEAR GOD, HOW CAN I RECOVER FROM THIS?! HOW WILL CAZZIE DAVID?!”

Call it my roommate Liz, call it a higher power…whatever the case, a voice boomed down from the floor above me.

“Go to a doctor, bitch. She’s fine. She just got back from Africa.” 

Oh damn, that’s so true! When I finally arrived to the clinic, the doctor took a single look at me and handed me a prescription.

“What’s wrong with me, Doc?”

“You care too much about Cazzie David’s welfare and you have the Bubonic Plague.”

You know what they say ladies—always wash your hands and trust your gut! 

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