Candice Not One of Those Feminists, Like, She Wears Makeup and Stuff

Candice Johnson, 27-year-old Williamsburg resident, wants you to know that sure, she’s a ‘feminist’ but she’s not like one of those feminists. One of our Pink Canoe correspondents caught up with Candice to better understand what she meant by this statement.

“I’m not like, running around burning my bra or anything,” she pleads. “I would never do that. My push ups are like, from Victoria’s Secret, and I like having a boyfriend — he’s why I got the push-up bras in the first place.”

Candice’s boyfriend, Mark Richman, concurs.

“Candice is passionate about girl power and…what’s the phrase…gender equality? But she’s still down to cook and clean for me, and like, when I say ‘get me my sandwich’ she thinks it’s funny, which is really cool.”

Mark leans back into his LazyBoy chair in the apartment they share and turns up the Patriots game. “She’s one progressive trophy bae, and she’s into giving blowjobs.”

Candice went on to explain that while she believes in equal rights, she isn’t a complete hardo about it.

“I’m not about to get in some Facebook argument about whether or not gender is a social construct, you know?” says Candice. “And I’m really proud of that. I can believe in feminism, but not have to tell everyone —or anyone— about it.”

Which is why Candice decided to face her fears of “feminazis” and enrolled in a Gender and Sexuality class at the local community college. She lasted eighteen minutes.

“It was so scary! I was the only one wearing lipstick,” she cries. “It was literally Legally Blonde! They were so mean, I feel really triggered and oppressed.”

Candice’s traumatic experience has forced her to question her beliefs, because although she believes in the cause, she’s unwilling to part with her make up.

“I’m not even sure if my lipliner is cruelty free. It’s just too much to keep up with. How hard is it to believe women and men should be equal, and call it a day? Like it shouldn’t be so hard. Why is it SO HARD?!”

From across the apartment, Mark howls, “That’s what she said!”

Candice is determined not to give up, however, and shortly after speaking with The Pink Canoe, broke up with Mark and re-enrolled in Gender and Sexuality. From what we’ve gathered from Facebook, she’s now reading Bad Feminist, has purchased a Glossier primer, and adopted a Dachshund, who she named Judith Butler. You go Candice!

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