How to Fake Your Own Disappearance To Avoid His Request To Take You To Outback Steakhouse

“I’m not ready to see him in the light.”

Alicia Osborne has been sleeping with her fuck buddy, Dave, for three months now. He asked to take her to Outback Steakhouse, his favorite restaurant, last week in an unexpected invite to hang out outside of the bedroom.

“I haven’t answered the text, but he keeps sending kangaroo emojis,” said Alicia, a 26-year-old sandwich artist who works at a Subway inside of a Walmart, to her roommate.

Alicia has been hesitant to return to Outback ever since she found a toenail clipping in the “dank” mac n cheese (which she does endorse despite her differences with the establishment).

“I’d literally rather be kidnapped than eat a blooming onion with Dave,” says Alicia. “At this point, the only way I’ll get famous and avoid Dave is by being on an episode of Dateline.”

Well Alicia, we have a couple tips on how you can avoid this date completely AND gain notoriety by faking your own disappearance.

  • Throw a party and hire a magician to make you disappear. Before he reveals it’s a trick, run out of there and take the first Greyhound to New Mexico. The turquoise bolo ties and Tex-Mex tapas should keep you occupied long enough to come up with an excuse for your boss and for Dave to get over the real chemistry you guys had.
  • Post a cryptic snapchat of you in the trunk of a car on your story. Then, leave your hair around and inside of your boss Dale’s Prius. Don’t show up for work ever again.
  • Make MISSING GIRL posters featuring your hot senior school photo from 2009. Post these       posters in his apartment building and in the three block radius of his residence.

There you go! You have successfully avoided a sober interaction with Dave AND possibly become famous in the process. You got this girl. We’ll be watching the local news for your disappearance and can’t wait to never see you again!

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