HGTV Shows You’d Like Based on Your Recent Porn History

 

Amateur: House Hunters

Predictable with varying levels of interest dependent on the couple and location, yet a dependable go-to when there’s nothing else on.

 

Fetish: Tiny House Hunters

Like the above, but with people who enjoy showering over their toilet.

 

Barely Legal: Property Virgins

They’ve never bought a house before. Won’t a big, bad real estate agent come teach them that you can take out carpeting if you don’t like it?

 

Cuckold: Flip or Flop

Those new sconces may really brighten the kitchen but they’ll do nothing to save your failing marriage!

 

Sex on the Beach: Hawaii Life

Sounds good in theory but too many issues in practice.

 

Threesome: Property Brothers

Sexy twins help couples find, buy and renovate fixer-uppers all while putting them at ease with the art of seduction. Drew is the one who wears a suit and negotiates the deal and then shows up at the end for the credits. Jonathan is the one who essentially acts as Maximilian in Cabaret, taking the couple both collectively and individually on a whirlwind of fantasy as he transforms their dump of a property into a dream home. The renovation always starts with the three of them punching through walls in ecstasy, and then as the weeks go on, the husband and wife show up to the jobsite separately, supposedly unannounced, just to see how it’s going, all dressed up among the sawdust, exposed pipe and circular saws in an act that sometimes seems desperate. But at the end of the show once the renovation is complete, the relationship order is restored as the husband and wife excitedly exclaim how much they love their quartz countertops and exchange glances that say they can’t wait to do it on top of them.

 

Stepmother/father/brother/sister: Property Brothers at Home

Same as above except with their respective girlfriends nauseatingly helping and overlaughing.

 

Gangbang: Flipping the Block

Literally from the show’s website: “Four two-person teams – a mix of woodworkers, artists, aspiring interior designers and experienced builders – demo and redo four identical units into move-in-ready show pieces all while living in the spaces during construction.” Yeah, they definitely all get it on in between filming.

 

Big Black Cock: EXTREME HOMES

Pretty self-explanatory.

 

Elaborate Backstory: Castle Hunters

Why live in an ordinary home when you can role-play?

 

BDSM: Love It or List It

Interior designer Hilary Farr and real estate agent David Visentin compete in an epic battle of sexual wills as they each try to persuade fed-up homeowners looking to either renovate or sell that they and they alone can satisfy their desires. Fans of the show will recognize that more often than not the wife of the couple is the one wanting to move to a new house while the husband wants to stay and renovate, which we all know is just a big ‘ol metaphor for their failing marriage. It’s not so much that they need to knock down the wall between their kitchen and living room to create an open concept, but more that they need to shake things up in their relationship, and what better way to do that than to throw around hundreds of thousands of dollars and let sexy strangers into their homes and privy to their financial situation.

This show is probably the hottest on the entire network. Not only is there the shameless flirting between Hilary, David and the couple themselves, but there are side flames continually burning just below the surface, like between Hilary and her musclely, black t-shirt clad contractor Eric. Much like New York City is the fifth character on Sex and the City, sexual tension is the third character in the room while Hilary flounces around the jobsite dressed in silk shirts unbuttoned just so while berating Eric for going over budget or not paving the walkway to her standards.

You can practically imagine their bedroom banter as Hilary shout-whispers in her disarmingly polite yet somehow mean British accent that she can’t work magic with the budget she was given. And even though Hilary has an impeccable track record for taking a complete piece of shit house and making it so beautiful people actually cry over the throw pillows, somehow the wife of the couple never trusts her to finish the job to a satisfactory level. Probably because she knows her husband fantasizes about this Home Renovation Posh Spice while he masturbates.

Then there’s Hilary and David themselves. Never are they so much at home as then they’re walking around their client’s home shit talking the design and at the end of the show shit talking each other while the couple stands mere feet away making one of the biggest decisions of their lives. But anywhere you can get a quick shit-talk in is good for a thrill, especially if there’s the chance you can get caught.

 

For Her: Ellen’s Design Challenge

For that treasured alone time.

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