How To Forgive Him For Cheating On You In Your Dream

Well freaking Grant has done it again. He kissed your sister’s roommate, Brittanica, right smack on her face, called you a controlling shrew for caring, said “it was only a little tongue calm down,” and then had the GAUL to still be spooning you in the morning when you woke up from the wretched, horrific dream. Here are the five steps to forgiving him without forgetting that you KNOW what he did… even if he doesn’t.


1. Make Him Ask if Something Is Wrong

You’ll feel way better about the shit he pulled in your subconscious if you can be confident that on this astral plane, your discontent worries him. Huff around a little bit in the morning and when he inevitably asks “is everything okay,” allow yourself to get that much closer to letting his corporeal form off the hook for the actions of your neurological rendering of him.


2. Ask Him What He Thinks of Brittanica

If you’re going to get the closure you need, you have to know his actual thoughts about the lady cast as ‘the other woman’ in your REM Cycle’s production of ‘Fucking Grant did Fucking WHAT?’. At some point in the morning, while you’re drinking the latte he made you because you seemed a little down, just hit him with a “so, what do you really think of Britannica?” When he says “Who? What the fuck kind of a name is that?” You can smile to yourself with the reassurance that Brittanica does not exist, your sister still lives at home with your parents and absolutely does not have a skank roommate who can wear the SHIT out of a fuschia bandage dress. Reminding yourself that the person he kissed wasn’t a real person is one more step toward exonerating Grant after he completely betrayed you against his will or knowledge.


3. Kiss Him Suspiciously

Does he smell like her? Is there a faint hint of Strawberry Lip Smacker on his lips. OMG there is! Well good, because that’s yours and that bitch probably smells like vanilla or something you can’t remember because you were asleep and everything that happened was in your imagination.


4. Tell Him You Love Him, But Like… Make It Unsettling

Lay it all out with a, “Hey. I love you okay. No matter what.” You and he BOTH know that it is NOT no matter what. That cheating is indefensible and a total deal breaker. But since he wasn’t actually a party to the cheating because it happened exclusively as a result of neuronal firing in your own brain, you’ll let him off the hook this once. “What? I love you too!” he’ll say. “Hey, is everything okay?” You can tell him it is. Almost.


5. Pick a Thing That You Want to Do, Ask To Do It, and If He Says No, Dump Him

If he honestly has the balls to deny you your SINGLE wish to watch Pitch Perfect 2 again tonight after everything he basically did to you last night… then he’s honestly not worth it. If he says yes then game over. Settle in with the man you love, forgive his indiscretions that took place exclusively within the caverns of your mind, and deepest untapped anxieties about your relationship, and bask together in the treasure that is Hailee Steinfeld.

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