I’m Sorry I Accused You of Murdering Your Husband After Binge Watching True Crime Shows for a Month

Hi, Nancy,

I’m probably the last person you want to hear from since I accused you of murdering your husband Karl after I recently became addicted to watching true crime shows. Whoopsie!

This is all just a silly misunderstanding. See, I was always a Home & Garden kinda girl when it came to TV shows, but my postpartum doula turned me on to The MURDER! Network when I was on maternity leave. That’s when everything changed.

The MURDER! Network’s women-friendly programming drew me in with shows like Housewives from Hell, Killer Mistresses, and Bitches Are Crazy, Amirite? I admit that it sounds like super violent entertainment for a new mom and the proud owner of the area’s most successful Edible Arrangements franchise, but The MURDER! Network made unspeakable crimes and devastated family members seem so palatable.

It was a transformative experience where I got a chance to reflect on the state of the world and humanity. It was during that reflection that I realized something genuinely meaningful…how friggin’ a-mazing I’d be at solving murders!  

In my defense, I had reason to suspect you. I tried to be nice when you first moved in. I came over with that lovely bouquet of chocolate covered pineapple slices and tried to make small talk. But when I started telling you about my favorite serial killers and unsolved disappearances, you got SO WEIRD.

No offense, but rushing someone off your porch when they’re in the middle of explaining how to dispose of a body using acid and cement is bad manners. It’s also suspicious.

You know that old saying, “Your neighbors are probably sociopaths”? There’s some truth to that, and I would know because I’ve seen every episode of Your Neighbors Are Probably Sociopaths on The MURDER! Network.

Of course, I’d feel awful accusing you with no proof, so I started my investigation. Omg, I was so excited! You know how hard it is for new moms to find a hobby. MURDER! was very therapeutic for me.

I spent two weeks doing everything these shows taught me; I tailed you when you left the house, I rifled through your trash, I told all our neighbors you’re a deranged madwoman, I even conducted interviews with people from your past (you should really make up with your sister-in-law, by the way. It sounds like there’s blame to go around in that situation).  

Then last week when I saw you dragging a giant plastic bag to your garage under the cover of night, I naturally assumed it was the freshly murdered body of your husband Karl. I did what any good citizen monitoring your behavior from her window would do. I called 911 to let them know you had skinned Karl’s face and dismembered the rest of him.

I had no idea you volunteered for a charity that collected coats for homeless people. Or how much coats could look like a dead body when stuffed into a ten-gallon bag. Had I known I wouldn’t have…well… the point is, I’m happy to pay for whatever damage the SWAT team did to your house. I was just trying to keep the neighborhood safe.

I wouldn’t keep making a big fuss about this whole false arrest.

Oh, and don’t test me, I’ve seen every episode of They’d Never Find The Body.



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