Inspiring: Woman Goes on Bender After Learning She Will In Fact Have Health Insurance Next Week

In the early hours of the morning on July 28th, 51 Senators voted to kill TrumpCare once and for all. Mitch McConnell wept. Democrats cheered. John McCain whispered “suck it!” to Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski who were voting “no” all along. Lauren Shipley? She went on an insane fucking bender when she found out she would still have health insurance after all.

When Lauren first woke up, she snorted a shit ton of adderall so she would be able to focus on her day. Next, she ordered Grubhub from a place she’d always wanted to try but couldn’t bring herself to: “Fat Shop.” Every food item on the menu was practically begging to send her straight into cardiac arrest. But now, Lauren thought, why the hell not?

After finishing her triple cheeseburger topped with both bacon and mozzarella sticks, Lauren called up her friend Carly who was always coked out of her mind. Carly answered and Lauren headed on over to her place to do a few lines. In order to give them a bit more energy, Carly cut the cocaine with coffee grounds and the two snorted lines for about an hour.

When Lauren left Carly’s she pulled up her Tinder. She messaged every one of her matches “wanna bone?” and immediately received 12 responses. She went to each of the 12 dude’s houses and slept with them. When any of them insisted on using condoms, she stealthed them by pulling it off right before they penetrated her. Because when you have health insurance, STIs are easy peasy!

It was getting pretty late in the day as Lauren left the last guy’s house. She went straight to the first dive bar she saw and ordered 5 glasses of Everclear on the rocks. She left the bar and probably needed her stomach pumped, but instead decided to play live human Frogger across the street. This was fun for her and she almost got hit by a car eight times and a biker four! But that didn’t matter because with her insurance safe, Lauren could really LIVE.

At some point after Frogger, Lauren passed out on the stoop of a stranger’s house in piles and piles of her own vomit. When asked today, Lauren says she doesn’t quite remember how she got to that stoop or what her name is anymore, but she does know, she had a great day. Lauren reported that she woke up the next morning wanting to die but knowing that because her insurance was secure, she wouldn’t have to.

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