Is My SoulCycle Instructor on Cocaine?

I’ve recently become addicting to spinning. I hate running, I queef too much in yoga, and I’ve burned bridges at most of the CrossFit’s in Manhattan. So naturally, I took up cycling! After trying out a few studios, I decided that SoulCycle was my favorite. But after taking a handful of classes (and draining my bank account to do so), I realized something seemed off about my favorite instructor, Julie. I don’t want to seem judgemental, but I think she might doing cocaine?

At first, I thought it was just because she was releasing so many endorphins. Until you’ve gone to a SoulCycle class, it’s hard to understand how good it feels on that bike. Every time I leave, I think to myself ‘wait, am I Beyoncé now?’ So it’s natural to assume that Julie’s insane about of energy was coming from a natural high.

But recently I’ve started noticing some behavior from Julie. Like during her 10AM ‘It’s Britney, Bitch!’ ride, she kept leaving to ‘go to the bathroom’. When she came back, she had us up our resistance 6 notches and ride as fast as we could for 7 minutes straight. It was super insane.

Next week, Julie seemed even more excitable. The whole class she was rambling how our mind is stronger than our bodies and then immediately launched into a rant about how Litecoin are the future of Cryptocurrencies? Everyone was really confused.

What really convinced me of Julie’s drug use was an instance that happened during yesterday morning’s ‘Tupac vs. Third Eye Blind’ ride. In the middle of class, Julie jumped off her bike and started going around the room whispering into peoples’ ears. It wasn’t until she got to me that I heard what she said: ‘Do you have any cocaine?’ That’s definitely what sold me.

While I was shocked to find out that one of my favorite SoulCycle instructors was using drugs, it hasn’t stopped me from going back to her class. Whatever she’s doing is working, and I’m already down 3 pant sizes!

Just remember, nothing feels as good as a fit soul. The only exception is cocaine!

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