Jesus is Annoyingly Religious So I Worship His Bad Boy Brother Chaz Instead

Personally, I’m not really a fan of Jesus. Sure, he turned water into wine but this is America, and I have a job, so if I wanted wine I could just go to the liquor store. I’m not sure why his bros made such a big deal out of that. Besides, Jesus is annoyingly religious. Like, I get it, dude, hail Mary, or whatever. So since Jesus is so weirdly into religion, I worship his bad boy brother, Chaz, instead.

Chaz is the bartender at a bar called Sting that my squad goes to on Friday nights and also on Saturday nights and usually Thursday nights too. Well, actually, technically, Chaz isn’t the bartender there, but he does tend to be at the bar and he calls himself the bartender, even though the bar staff doesn’t really like that. It took my squad about a month to realize that he wasn’t supposed to be going behind the bar and making us all those free drinks. Whoops!

One night we were smoking with Chaz in the alley behind Sting, and as he blew out a double smoke ring, he whispered to us, through the double smoke ring, that he’s a son of God. Obviously, I knew that meant Chaz was Jesus’s brother. I was confused at first, because I thought that Jesus was an only child, but it turns out that he actually has a younger half-brother that is 1,980 years younger than him. And also way doper than him.

Chaz has one of those edgy, thin braids that is longer than the rest of this hair. His left hand has a tattoo that says “right,” and his right hand has a tattoo that says “left”. Chaz told me that those tattoos are ironic, which shows how smart he is, but not in a mainstream way.

Chaz wears a baseball cap that says “feminist,” except that feminist is crossed out. Chaz told me that its crossed out because to him, women are already equal and they don’t need to fight for rights. At first I was like “what?” but then he kept on repeating it until I was like “oh.” He totally goes against the grain of society. It’s awesome how he doesn’t even care, like, about anything and especially not religion.

Its 2018, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to believe, but I do know that Chaz is who I worship. NOT his brother Jesus. 

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