Movie Theaters Give Up, Openly Market to Teenagers as Great Place to Have Sex

With attendance at a record low, local movie theaters must innovate to compete with streaming services like Netflix and Amazon. Which is why they’ve turned their attention to the one audience they could always depend on: horny teenagers with no place else to go.

Improvements include removing the majority of seats in the theater and replacing them with pairs of giant red leather recliners that extend to the full horizontal position. There are also side trays that lift to create a mock-partition and give off an illusion of privacy. It’s basically a bed.

I, for one, am appalled by these changes. Back in my day you had to make out with your S.O. in a crowded theater full to capacity on opening day of Pearl Harbor, not to mention you were upright so you had to crane your neck a full 180 degrees to even do anything worth bragging about. That one side of your neck would be sore FOR DAYS. Now that rite of passage is gone. Kids these days just go to empty theaters and take their pants off without ever knowing the thrill of getting caught.

I blame the parents. Can’t they force their child to watch movies in their basement and go down every 15 minutes “to get something” so that the couple never gets very far or has to hide strategically under a blanket just like my generation did? Back when you had to EARN your hook up. Back when it really MEANT something, ya know?

Sigh. I’m getting too old for this. I’m just gonna Netflix and literally chill.

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