My Boyfriend Explained Bitcoin to Me and Now I’m a Libertarian Goddess

Just a few days ago, I was just like you. I was constantly wondering “What’s the deal with bitcoin? Why is everyone so obsessed with it? And when is my boyfriend of eight years going to tell me he loves me?”

But now, I’m a new woman. Last night, I crept into his mom’s basement and decided to finally ask my boyfriend, Kyle, what was so special about bitcoin. He took a massive hit from his bong, paused his game of Fortnite, and explained everything to me and suddenly, it clicked. I understood the world the way he saw it.

Once I got the hang of bitcoin, everything else made sense. I fell in love with reddit. I went out and bought 18 assault rifles because you never know when you’re going to need them to defend yourself. I tattooed “don’t tread on me” and “give me liberty or give me death” on each of my boobs (which from now on I am only calling “tits”). I began watching porn primarily starring Gary Johnson look-alikes. And I realized how sexy it can be to be doused in Kyle’s cum while I experience absolutely no sexual pleasure on my end whatsoever.

Kyle still hasn’t told me he loves me. But if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that love doesn’t matter when a free market run entirely on cryptocurrency is possible.

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