Quiz: Is Your Boyfriend a Man or an Algae Infestation?

A trending topic on Facebook lately is, “Men are scum.” This, of course, is false. Not all men are scum. In fact, all men are men. However, it’s possible YOUR boyfriend is not a man at all, but a specific type of scum: an algae infestation. It can be tough to tell the difference, but this quiz should help you figure out if your beau is an anatomical man or just toxic scum capable of killing thousands of lake trout!

How did you meet your boyfriend?

A. On Tinder. But we tell people we met on OKCupid.

B. In a natural aquatic habitat, of course! Where else?

C. At a public swimming pool.


What’s your boyfriend’s biggest strength?

A. He almost always shows up to my welding competitions.

B. He can withstand almost any range of carbon dioxide concentrations!

C. His Domino’s Rewards points. He might not have a full-time job, but at least he’s kind of investing in our future.


Be honest. What’s one thing you wish you could change about your boyfriend?

A. He could definitely floss more.

B. It’d be cool if he stopped killing marine life with his lethal properties.

C. He really needs to make his own Netflix profile. He screws up my recommendations when he watches all those documentaries on dying coral reefs.


Let’s get even more personal. What’s your boyfriend’s go-to move in bed?

A. Whatever we’re both comfortable with.

B. Definitely mitosis.

C. Shrugging when I tell him I haven’t finished yet.



Mostly As:

It sounds like your boyfriend is a human male! It’s up to you to decide if that’s a good thing or not.

Mostly Bs:

The verdict is in: Your boyfriend has, in fact, been a photosynthetic organism that produces his own possibly lethal slime all this time. Here’s to hoping he’s at least a fun kind of algae, like giant kelp!

Mostly Cs:

You’re dealing with an entirely different type of parasite.

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