Seasonal Allergies Remind Woman She is But a Feeble Bitch

Kathy Longheart faced a harsh reality check on March 28, 2018 when she woke up to find her eyes swollen, nose running, and throat scratching like a cat in heat. The formerly bright and cheery interior decorator of Monroe, Louisiana had turned into her worst fear—a feeble bitch in allergy season.

Though Kathy had recently felt invincible after selling a fake snake hide rug to a vegan/Wikkan Instagram blogger for twice the original price, Kathy now felt weak, snotty, and sad. Seasonal allergies had bested the dark haired decorator once again.

“Allergies are always there to remind me about my own mortality and the fact that nature could literally kill me at any second if it decided to,” said Kathy over a cup of tea while downing an entire bottle of ZYRTEC.

Due to her seasonal allergies, Kathy has not been able to enjoy the activities she usually participates in, like running marathons, doing yoga in the park, and taking her naked cat Cecili on restorative nature walks. The pollen is just too strong, even for a health nut like Kathy, who can bench press twice her body weight in Kombucha.

“It’s almost like humans weren’t actually supposed to inhabit southern Louisiana? And that trees were supposed to live here instead? And now they are asserting their dominance over us with their tree sperm? It’s so messed up.”

Armed with Claritin, tissues, and that gross nasal spray you shoot up your nose like a little nerd, Kathy is determined to overcome her seasonal allergies. She intends on getting allergy shots next year to kick seasonal allergies to the curb for good.

“I just hate being reminded that tiny tree sex product makes me feel like I’m dying. It’s just embarrassing.”

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