Taking Down Confederate Statues, What’s Next? Removing The Park Bench That Drunk Dudes Pee On?

This opinion piece was submitted by William Benson, a college Republican with a small penis.

I grew up in New Orleans, Louisiana, a town that is rich in tradition and history. My great-great grandfather fought in the Civil War and my ancestors have always been proud of their southern roots. So as a southerner, it deeply disturbs me that the government is trying to erase us from American history. Taking down the confederate statues, which mean so much to us white people, would lead to a slippery slope. What would be next? Getting rid of that park bench that me and my dudes pee on after a night out? You can’t take away things that mean so much to us.

Some liberal snowflakes say that these statues stand as a reminder of slavery, but they don’t. They are history and you can’t just get rid of something that was put there, okay? These statues have been here almost as long as the dinosaurs and I won’t let you just take them down. And then what, you’ll just bulldoze that piss smelling lawn seat along with it? Disgusting.

Removing a bunch of statues isn’t going to fix racism. Racism is always going to exist, sorry to say it. The government is trying to wipe white history from our textbooks and I won’t let it stand. Once the statues are gone, they will come for the pee pee benches, then the old tree where homeless people sleep, then last but not least the collection of road kill I keep in my basement. THESE ARE APART OF MY HISTORY.

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