The 5 Posters in His Apartment That Say ‘You’ll Be Leaving With a Yeast Infection’

Yeast infections and dating have a surprising amount in common. Both can be complicated, messy, and result in feelings of pain and regret if proper steps are not taken to keep everything in balance. Preventive care can include a nutritious diet, adequate water, proper cleaning, and steering clear of partners most likely to leave you with imbalanced PH after a night of one-sided conversation and amateur fingerbanging. But how exactly can one identify the type of dude that’ll have you itching for Monistat? Look around – the hidden clues to your beau’s egocentric tendencies lie in the fuckboy memorabilia he’s made his home a shrine to!

Pulp Fiction

Guys with this poster in their apartment are significantly more likely to 1) not own a fitted sheet, and 2) both disregard your opinions and finger you violently, creating the perfect storm for a regrettable evening that leaves you emotionally hollow, but full of discharge! If you want to avoid this, here’s a tip: guys who love this movie will ask you who your favorite director is and then interrupt you to tell you their’s is Tarantino about an hour into your date. Listen closely, and remember, Quentin Tarantino protected Harvey Weinstein and buries his bigotry in the vicarious (and direct) abuse of women and people of color. Boy, bye!

The Velvet Underground Banana by Andy Warhol

Sunday Morning is when you’ll be feeling the lingering itch of a wild weekend with a handsome stranger who sleeps on a mattress in the living room of an apartment he shares with five “artists.” While we may all enjoy the low and mournful tones of the Velvet Underground from time to time, only boys who protest the use of condoms and buy band T-shirts at Target think putting this poster on their wall will make up for having a terrible personality. But wait, you must be thinking, this album cover art is by Andy Warhol – making it good! Read on, and you’ll soon discover that despite something seeming good, hoards of boring guys obsessing over it will shroud it in a funk that makes it forever unenjoyable. Also, he definitely doesn’t wash his hands, so make a gyno appointment ASAP!  

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

In reviewing all the egos that converged to make this film I almost immediately had to stop to take a shit. Little known fact: Johnny Depp actually became Hunter S. Thompson after making this movie, which is exactly the fate your one-night stand prays will befall him every night as he masturbates himself into a restless sleep! Guys who love Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas don’t care that it is buoyed by terrible men with substance abuse issues – in fact, many of them idolize that too! – which means they’re 20% less likely to listen to what you want during a sexual encounter. 

Fight Club

The first rule of Fight Club is don’t have sex with guys who love this movie!!!!! Fight Club is the first edgelord film many view in their pursuit of good taste, and lame guys latch on to it like a hungry babe to a milk-heavy teet. Directed by David Fincher, adapted from a book written by Chuck Palahniuk, this movie is a prime example of something that was once good – before its meaning was distorted by the crazed adoration of male fans who use it as an excuse for deifying bad behavior. Every guy who loves this movie wants to be Tyler Durden, who 100% would have given you a yeast infection and a UTI (sorry!).

The Boondock Saints

What is this movie about? I have no idea, but every guy seems to fucking love it. There’s guns and …honor? The guy from the Walking Dead is in it? Whatever. I’m at urgent care and have to pee in a cup now, g2g. 

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