It’s January 5th and Karen is Still Fighting the War On Christmas

“It’s not over ’til it’s over. They just like, won’t stop,” Karen, a native Missourian said to sister-in-law Barb with tears in her eyes, her jingle bell-laced sweater gently shaking as they sat in the Southwest terminal waiting to board Flight 5786. The date is January 5th, and after spending the holidays on the East Coast for the first time, Karen is headed back home to St. Louis, most likely never to return to the northeast again (except for summer religious retreats in Maine, of course). Karen, age 57, has a new son-in-law, a young man she suspects, nay, KNOWS is an active participant in the war on Christmas. 

“A lot of my girl friends had similar experiences this year. Our kids are moving to New York and marrying young Jewish boys with great apartments for hosting family events. They are celebrating Hannukah before Christmas even has a chance to get started and are refusing to come home, citing that they feel ‘a bit crowded’ at mom’s house,” Karen said, taking a sugar cookie out from a red and green tin stuffed in a puff-painted Vera Bradley bag. “My son-in-law made these. Can you believe it? Wreaths and mistletoe — how about SANTA? Or JESUS CHRIST?”

Karen detailed her new son-in-law’s Christmas sabotaging efforts, citing fake laughter, dancing too vigorously to traditional Christmas tunes, and some classic “fishy over-doing it” in the decorating department.

“Frankly, what I saw out there was shocking. Way too much happy holidays and not enough baby Jesus in a god damn manger. The napkins were red and green AND blue and white. When I asked about the colors my daughter walked out of the room and my son-in-law said ‘waste not want not!’ What does that even mean?”

Karen has resolved to start a new charity organization to fight the war on Christmas yearlong. When asked whether she’d be running the organization through her local church, Karen said, “well I probably won’t make it back to church until Easter. This Christmas season bummed me out pretty bad and Lent is sort of like, depressing honestly.” Karen and Barb solemnly dragged their Keep Christ in Christmas Retreat 2012 duffle bags into the boarding queue.

As Karen looked back at Newark International Airport for a final time, she summed up her Christmas travel experience. “All I know is that when my TSA agent said happy holidays to me, I felt 10x more afraid to get on that airplane. Like instead of a shoe bomber, she was a Christmas bomber. Jesus. Does anyone have an extra drink coupon?”

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