Valentine’s Day Dishes To Keep Him From Realizing You’re Fundamentally Unlovable

Your boyfriend treats you well, your family adores him, and he’s cool with turning the lights off for reverse cowgirl. But the deep well of shame you suppress year-round is threatening to bubble up and scorch him with your darkest insecurities: you missed the cum laude cutoff at your elite liberal arts college, you’ve never landed a paid internship in media, and you’re pretty sure that time you fed your childhood dog cheese accelerated her death by a few months. Never fear: here are some Valentine’s Day recipes so delicious, he’ll never realize you’re a fetid trash pile undeserving of love.

Loaded Southwest Sweet Potato

This dish is deceptively simple to make and filled with much-need nutrients. Simply wrap a sweet potato in foil, bake it in the oven until thoroughly cooked, and load it with toppings like scallions, black beans, sour cream, and salsa. As he’s digging into this sumptuous meal, he’ll totally forget that story about getting your period during a figure skating competition – the second-bloodiest crime scene in the sport’s history. The sensory overload of southwestern flavors will eradicate the memory of you describing, in graphic detail, how your white leotard came to resemble a menstrual Jackson Pollock painting. 

Cherry, Arugula, and Mint Salad

A salad that even the pickiest eaters can enjoy, this dish is easy to make on a budget – the budget you can’t keep track of because you never learned how to use Excel properly. After assembling the arugula base, slice the cherries into quarters and dice some mint leaves, then toss the ingredients gently in a large bowl. The scintillating flavor profile will completely distract him from figuring out that you peaked in middle school when you won that state-wide spelling bee, and even though you got a savings bond out of it, it won’t be nearly enough to alleviate your student loan debt. The fresh aroma of mint leaf will intoxicate him, leaving him unable to envision a mate with better credit.  

Zesty Scallop and Shrimp Tacos

For this one, lightly sear the scallops and shrimp, then transfer them to taco shells. Top with cilantro and finely diced onions. As the savory flavors mingle in his mouth, he’ll be utterly distracted from the fact that you’re complicit in the slaughter of innocent sea creatures. Yum!

Red Velvet Cupcakes

Listen, bitch: red velvet cupcakes are for amateurs. You’re really hell-bent on a dessert that hides your most shameful deficiencies? Two words:a threesome. Happy feasting!

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