Why I Converted From Christianity To The Church of Oprah

I’ve been a devout Christian ever since my youth group took a sick trip to Disneyland in the 7th grade. Going to church every Sunday is my time to reflect on my relationship with God. But ever since Oprah’s acceptance speech at the 75th Annual Golden Globes, I have started to question my faith. Is Christianity really the religion for me? Should I be living my life by the words of the Gospel? OR is Oprah in fact our true savior? Here’s how I converted from Christianity to the Church of Oprah.

I was catching up on some light reading by the fire when I decided to turn on the Golden Globes. I’m not a big fan of celebrities/movies/tv/anything really, so it was sort of out of character. But looking back, it seemed as if I was being drawn to the TV by some celestial force. As soon as Oprah starting speaking, I was transfixed. Not only does her voice sound like the mix of vanilla and a babies’ laugh, but have you seen her face?! I still can’t stop thinking about.

The words she were saying resonated so deeply within me that I felt that I was having an out-of-body experience. It was as if during her 10 minute speech I had risen to the heavens, where both Oprah and Gayle were showering me with free products and singing Beyoncé. Oprah, who was wearing a white gown cinched with a gold Hermes belt, told me that the future is female. AND I BELIEVE HER.

After Oprah’s speech finished, tears were running down my eyes. I immediately chucked my Bible out the window, bought a subscription to O, and watched every OWN show in one day. I can now say I am a devout member of the Church of Oprah. Bye bye Jesus, hello Mrs. Winfrey!

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