Woman Rather Shit In Yard Than Use New Boyfriend’s Bathroom

After realizing how pristinely white new boyfriend Craig’s bathroom was, 24-year-old Cassie Winkler made the bold decision to shit where no woman has shit before: outside.

Winkler reportedly decided to defecate in her boyfriend’s front lawn after realizing they’d only been dating for approximately a month, an amount of time not sufficient enough to yield a monstrous, toilet destroying shit.

“We’ve only been together for four weeks,” Winkler stated, looking to and fro as she squatted under the tree in his front yard. “Four weeks! That’s hardly enough time to fart in front of him, let alone poop in his house.”

Friends of Winkler say their phones began blowing up at exactly 8:14 P.M., around the time the incident was occurring, with most of the messages simply stating “oh God. I can’t do this. Oh god, this is really happening, isn’t it? I’m shitting in his front yard. Oh god.”

“We were all pretty concerned,” says Winkler’s friend Katie Moore. “We kept texting her ‘Cassie! Absolutely DO NOT shit in his yard. What are you doing? Just go in his bathroom.’ But the texts kept flooding in. She was past a point of no return. We all just watched her sort of crash and burn in the group chat.”

Onlookers say the incident would be more shocking if they hadn’t seen Winkler throw a bag of poop out Craig’s bathroom window just two days prior.

“At this point, it’s expected,” Craig’s neighbor Karen Ballentine lamented.

“I’m just going to blame it on his dog.” Winkler said, looking on sadly at the pile of human excrement. “Wait how long have I been out here? 10 minutes? Oh god, no. He probably thinks I’m shitting outside instead of enjoying a cigarette like I said I’d be doing. Fuck.”

Sources say Winkler was last seen shoveling a pile of dirt over the shit as she readjusted her hair and skirt upon re-entering Craig’s home. The fate or her and Craig’s relationship is still unknown.

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