Wow! Hailey Can Listen to Your Story for Three Minutes Before Switching The Subject Back To Her

Hailey Parker, 21, is finally getting the recognition she deserves. The Nobel Committee reached out on Friday afternoon to extend their Peace Prize, in gratitude for her years of thankless work— listening to you whine and moan about your problems.

And according to Hailey, it’s about time.

“Honestly?” Hailey interrupts us, mid-interview. “I’m such a great listener. People feel comfortable sharing their most intimate secrets with me because they know I’ll never tell anybody. One time, my friend Katie told me about how she was cheating on her boyfriend Alex because she has commitment issues— and I never told anyone!”

Named after Alfred Nobel, famed Swedish industrialist, the prize is given to those who have done the best work to create unity among nations. Traditionally, nominations for the prize are derived from qualified members of the committee.

“Yeah, no. After binge-watching Queer Eye for twelve hours straight, I was super inspired to better lives. Specifically, my own. This is where I got the idea to be my own nominator.”

Parker would become the first candidate in history to nominate herself for the award. Her strategy was simple—worm her way into the inboxes of the most trusted committee in history and talk until they finally gave in to her demands.

“Receiving the Nobel Peace Prize definitely means a lot to me, but I’m not surprised. It’s definitely like The Secret and Alexis Neiers taught me— if you want something, you just have to ask for it and yeLL OVER THAT PERSON UNTIL YOU GET THE ATTENTION YOU SO DEEPLY CRAVE.”

Hailey suddenly bursts into tears with no sign of reason or warning. We ask Hailey if she is okay.

“Ya. I’m just, like, such a good friend.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *