2018 Is The Year I Stop Catfishing My Ex

I’m not typically one for New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve made them in the past and always drop them by February. But this year is different. I decided it was high time I make a resolution and stick to it. I thought long and hard about what to do. I decided I didn’t need to get in shape because 2018 is a body-positive year and any body is a beach body if it’s at the beach, etc. I decided I didn’t need to give up alcohol because I drink a lot of Kombucha to balance it out, so it’s all good. I came to the conclusion that the only bad habit I have that could possibly need kicking is my habit of making fake Facebook, Instagram, and Tinder profiles to trick my ex into talking to me so that I can break his heart like he broke mine.

This, I’m sure, is a very common habit. When you have your heart broken, the natural instinct is to get some sweet revenge. After the breakup, all of my friends encouraged me to forget about my ex and move on and put myself back out there. So I did. I downloaded Tinder, but of course his was one of the first profiles I came across. He was already over me and back on the market. The thing is, he shouldn’t have been over me yet. No no no, it should’ve taken him months and months to get over me. I’m a catch.

So I did what anyone would do in this situationI deleted my Tinder profile and created a new, fake one. And it worked! My ex and I chatted for a while, and then I realized I couldn’t go through with the heartbreak. I still loved him, and he clearly loved the fake me, and would love real me if he just knew who it really was! We were destined to be together, so I confessed the truth hoping he’d realize that it was fate. But no, he blocked me. So I had to create a new profile. And it went on and on, I made profile after profile until it was a habit. I’d wake up in the morning and create a new profile, and message him from the dozens of other ones I’d created.

Now, obviously I see the issue here. This was an unhealthy habit, like nail biting or pimple popping. And I’ll be the first to admit I’d gotten a bit obsessive. I hadn’t seen my friends in weeks. I was behind on all of my TV shows, I was missing work, and I hadn’t left my apartment since October. But honestly, this is a common problem! It’s easy to get hooked on catfishing your ex in order to exact revenge. That doesn’t mean it’s good for you, though. January seemed like the perfect time to turn over a new leaf and ditch this bad habit.

So, at midnight on January 1st, I deleted all of my fake profiles. And I’m happy to announce that, almost three months into 2018, I’ve barely even gone back! I did have a bad weekend in early February where I ended up making a fake Insta. The bad weekend extended into a bad week, and it looked like my resolution was going down the drain. But then Lent hit, and I decided I’d recommit by giving up catfishing! So far I’ve been good. I’ve looked at his social media, but I haven’t messaged him.

Sometimes you just need a little bit of self-reflection. You need to notice your bad habits, however small they may seem, and make positive changes. 2018 is my year. I’m going to move on and find someone new. I might mail my ex a box of worms for one last adrenaline rush, but I’m definitely done catfishing him!

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