Conspiracy Theories to Ponder While Jacking Off Your Bumble Date

Uh oh! Your Bumble date just finished his second Old Fashioned. You know what that means: the whiskey will cause him to lose enough sensation in his “little man” that his repeated thrusting until you can feel your vagina chafe won’t be enough to finish him. You’re too much of a lady to give him a BJ on a first date -this isn’t OK Cupid-so it’s time to take off your grandmother’s vintage ring and get those hands to work.

It might seem boring to lay there with his willy in your hand, but not when you’ve got an entire human history of unsolved conspiracies to work on!  Why not embrace the lack of physical or emotional stimulation to do a deep dive into a few of history’s mysteries?

Did aliens build the pyramids?

Scientists still haven’t come to a consensus about how the Pyramids of Giza -made of millions of precisely cut and arranged stones -were assembled. Is it possible than an extra-terrestrial force played a part? The universe is infinitely large, so life beyond Earth must exist somewhere. Besides, you’ve only been moving your wrist for about three minutes and you can already feel the carpal tunnel setting in, which doesn’t bode well for a purely human pyramid workforce. Hey, maybe if you had some alien assistance with this Giza you went home with, you could be out of here before Uber starts surge pricing.

What’s underneath the Denver Airport?

The swastika-shaped runways, weirdly dark art, and miles of underground tunnels lead many to believe the large, remote Denver Airport was built to house a secret organization intent on future military oppression. On one hand, why would a secret organization advertise their hiding spot with clues peppered in plane (ha!) sight?  But on the other hand…wait, that segue is a good reminder to switch hands. On the other hand…wait, what were you thinking about again?

Are American politics controlled by lizard people from outer space who have taken over the physical forms of our leaders with the ultimate objective of enslaving the human race?

You know this one is a no. You do!  But you must admit, you did end up here, rubbing olive oil on the dry dick of a stranger because he doesn’t own any lube. So really, anything’s possible. 

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